Welcome and Ahoy - Introduction to My Music World

This morning I woke up at 4:45 AM to go to an online appointment with an audio engineer to have my tracks cleaned up and aligned.  I spent some time in Logic Pro myself after looking up how to turn that function on, but as I've been on this journey I'm leaning on the pros where I can afford to. I'm learning a lot from each producer, instrumentalist, engineer, and teacher, and if you're reading this THANK YOU! YOU ARE AMAZING PEOPLE! During my audio editing session I was inspired to share this part of the journey, and my ramblings, with you.  

Here's a little bit about myself, I've loved music my whole life, but I never felt like I could create music even as a hobby until my mother's passing.  That was some time ago now, but it started with taking those vocal lessons to see where it went.  I wanted to feel closer to her and singing in the car to those traveling soccer games or to the mall was one of my ways of connecting with her.  

Then I took a music production masterclass and learned how to use a DAW and find royalty free loops.  I bought an electric guitar, downloaded an app, and learned that the reason I hated playing the guitar my mother bought me was because the bridge was set too high and it just HURT to play!  The electric was so much easier.  (I've since taken sandpaper to my bridge -- I'm a rage fixer)

Each step was a start and stop experience between life and work, and I didn't think much of it.  It was a hobby.  I fit it in when I could.  Here's the thing though.  That 'hobby' if you were to imagine me saying that in a dismissive air was setting the groundwork for what's happening now.  See last year I hit a rock bottom in my grief over a more recent event.  

The betrayal I experienced during the pandemic, after witnessing excommunications in th 21st century (seriously!), and while healing my own cPTSD, that additional mental and emotional abuse along with the betrayal had wrecked my nervous system.  I am healing, but at the worst point I was losing my hair, my digestive system was screwed up, I couldn't remember what happened 5 minutes ago, my vision was blurry, I hadn't slept well in years, I suddenly acquired severe anxiety, severe panic attacks, and severe depression.  I was so disassociated that there would be days I would be afraid to leave my bed.  I thought I could put my hand through the wall as if this world wasn't real to me any more.

Last year, was a pivotal point in my healing where I was finally angry enough for long enough that I opened up a DAW. I worked with some software for lyrics, and I turned the screaming in my head into my first full song.  My brain and my heart and my spirit finally found rest again.

There's something about finishing a song.  I had created parts of songs and trashed them like a reporter crumpling paper and throwing it in the trash bin for a while.  This was not trash.  This was done. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was done. I made a song called Echos and Lies. From there, the songs just started pouring out of me.

Now I've released my first single, Own Your Own Mind, and I'm working on number two.  Each step has led to the next, and I'm still learning.   If you can relate then welcome to my world.  Some call me too heavy, some don't understand my story, but I love who I am.  I know what I value, and I'm true to myself. I'm true to my word. I'm brave enough to ask really BIG questions, and I call out elephants in myself and others.  I'd love to get to know more people who are on a similar journey. I want to be surrounded by art that transformed pain into a life worth living.

"Take a war to make you spend. Take a jam to make you think. Take a challenge to make you great. Rest of the time you sit around lazy, you. Pigs, you! All right, God damn you! I challenge you, me. Die or live and be great. Blow yourselves to Christ gone or come and find me, Gully Foyle, and I make you men. I make you great. I give you the stars.”
― Alfred Bester, The Stars My Destination